First of all, I don’t hate you. I have every reason to, considering the way you treated me. The way you tore me apart and then so quickly tried to put the pieces back together. I was so patient with you, I gave you love and support while you gave me nothing but misery. It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve finally figured you out. I don’t blame you; I pity you… I really do.
I sometimes wonder why or more-so how I managed to stay with you for so long. Four long years. I think deep down there was always a part of me that knew our relationship was going nowhere. Still, there was another part of me that hoped and prayed that someday you’d realize what you had in front of you and what you were destroying. I hoped that if I showed you what love is, you would turn your life around. You manipulated me and you were always well aware of it so you used it to your advantage.
During the majority of our relationship I was often sad, angry and confused. For the longest time, I didn’t understand why. You made me believe that this was my fault. That if I wanted to be happy, I could be. You blamed me for every single aspect of our relationship that went wrong. Hell, you even blamed me for the things in your life, which had absolutely nothing to do with me.
After we broke up, I slowly began realizing that our relationship was unhealthy. Eventually I discovered why.
You are damaged. Whether you were born this way, or something from your upbringing made you this way. You are hurt and in return, you hurt people.
I began doing a little research and found out I’m not the only person who has gone through this. I am not the only one who has been controlled and demeaned by another heartless human being who supposedly “loves” them. In fact, there is a word for people like you; narcissists.
You don’t care about anyone but yourself. Anytime you needed me I was already waiting. Do you remember me needing you? Probably not, because whenever I did, you weren’t there. Your infamous “I’m sorry” that you made sound as apologetic as your careless mouth could mutter. I’m sure you remember how you were always right and I was always wrong though, don’t you? Of course you do. If I dared to fight against you, you would ignore me for days. Your constant changing of plans, whether it would be your job, where to live or whether you wanted to be with me or not. Keeping up with that was exhausting. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing was ever your fault. It was always me, whoever you were fighting with at the time, or maybe Oprah Winfrey. Anyone to take the blame away from yourself, right? You have a low self-esteem and you will do anything you can to build that up, regardless of how it will affect those around you.
It was always about you. I spent all my time trying to help you. To make you feel better, that I didn’t even realize I was neglecting my own needs. You will always seek this in someone. You will promise someone the world in return for their love, but you are and always will be incapable of giving love back. You are damaged far beyond repair. Wherever you go, you will destroy every thing and every one around you. I realize now that this process will never end. I was not the first, and I definitely will not be the last.
Remember all the times you’d get drunk and high off whatever drug you could get your hands on? How you’d treat me during those highs? You’d leave me in tears, sobbing uncontrollably and suffering anxiety attacks. Do you remember passing out and waking up the next morning… not having a single recollection of what happened the night before? How you’d wonder why I was so upset that day. You’d never accept that these things actually happened, but believe me, they did.
Do you remember how you made me feel guilty for not being as outgoing and adventurous as I was when we first got together? That was because of you. You tore me down until I learned to follow your every move and never step aside. You’d tell me to go out with some friends, so I would. Remember all the accusations you put against me because of that? How you’d yell and scream about all the “maybe” scenarios. I eventually learned that the only way to keep this from happening was to slowly lose touch with every friend in my life. You did not want me to be happy. You did not want me to be happier than you.
You made me out to be the bad one. The crazy one. You made me truly believe that being mistreated this way was my punishment for my past mistakes. You brought that up so many times, you never let me forget it. I thought that this terrible behaviour from you was what I deserved. I began to accept that this was my life; trying to give everything I had to a man who would never give me what I needed in return. I realize now that by being with you, my life would’ve been cut short. I would become a darkened soul like you and it would’ve caused my death.
I was wrong. You tried your hardest to tear down the strong, independent and confident girl you met. You didn’t. You didn’t break me, I am stronger than you. I am better than you. I have slowly regained my old self back, along with the happiness I began to lose when we met. Unlike you, I experience real love. Not what you made me believe was love.
Guess what? I found someone. Someone unlike you. A person capable of loving me and accepting my love in return. I can finally say that I look forward to spending my life with someone and I’m excited to see what this life has in store for us. I’m discovering how a healthy relationship is and I am enjoying every minute of it.
You see; this is why I pity you. You will never have this. You will only ever be happy temporarily. Thank you for releasing me.
Goodbye.
forgive my sins. 